Monday, April 30, 2012

what to do?

       Here's an interesting thought: the drab of winter makes the freshness of spring that much better. My boyfriend and I were talking this weekend about (among a series of other things) how glad we both are that it is spring. For us, as college students, it is practically summer as school is now out for me (and it's not even May!). I told "the boy" that I absolutely hated this past winter. There were long nights spent crying on my couch in my apartment feeling like winter would never end; feeling like the miles between myself and my sisters, and my parents, was growing farther apart with each tick of the deafening clock; feeling like I would never overcome one of my greatest flaws; feeling like I was so very alone in a culture that is supposed to be famous for its hospitality and sweetness; for having (yet again) an identity crisis and not knowing how to move on; for feeling like...winter would never end. Those were some rough days, yet, for some odd reason, I feel like they are mostly behind me. I have sought help; I have intentionally put myself into meaningful relationships where people know my pain and can help me through it; and I have lived one day at a time waiting for spring to arrive.
    So now, it is spring. In fact, spring is almost over for me. I have a month long break from school which will officially be my "summer" since I will be taking four summer school classes this year to finish up my undergraduate degree. This morning I thought to myself, "Self, what are we going to do for a month? It is so lovely and warm outside, you have dozens upon dozens of books to read, you have several friends in town, you have recently acquired permission to use a bicycle, you are moving to a charming house and out of your dreary apartment, but Self, what are we going to do?" I ask myself these questions not really expecting a response, and I have found one, but what I mean is who will I become over this next month?
      College is a strange and brutal organization because for three weeks straight all 27,000 of us are running off of 4 hours of sleep each night, more coffee than we care to consume, Cheeze-Its, and 40 minute trips to the gym. Then they say "Move out! Summer's here!" Ahhh...I can breathe. Time to relax. But wait, what to do?
     I have, for so long, focused on being a student and students study. I have studied the Bible. I have studied women at my church who lead godly and uplifting lives. I have studied our culture and the dynamics of what our society says we should be like. I have studied nature and colors and words and philosophies and education. I have studied. But now, not even with the end of the spring, but with the end of my undergraduate career, what to do? What to study? Is there anything to study, anymore?
     Recently I have found the answer is "yes". I have become a student of love. I study how to love because I have never loved in this way before. I study his habits and patters of life. I study is heartbeat and his fingerprints. I even study some material regarding his field of work and educational life. I have never had this type of assignment before, and yet, I gladly undertake it.

What to do? What to do? This summer, I will love.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Missing France

I first heard this song during my yoga class last week and haven't been able to get it out of my head since! I love how it is soulful, personal, and soothing all at the same time. French is one of my favourite languages and I love to listen to music in French and Spanish (probably because I have heard these languages the most; however, I do love Classical Korean music too...weird, I know.)

Take a listen for yourself and I hope you will get a sense of missing France today too.

Quelqu’un m’a dit (Carla Bruni) – translation

I’m told that our lives aren’t worth much,
They pass like an instant, like wilting roses.
I’m told that time slipping by is a bastard
Making its coat of our sorrows.
Yet someone told me…
That you still loved me
Someone told me…
That you still loved me.
Well ? Could that be possible?
I’m told that fate makes fun of us,
That it gives us nothing and promises everything,
When happiness seems to be within our reach,
We reach out and find ourselves like fools.
Yet someone told me…
That you still loved me
Someone told me…
That you still loved me.
Well ? Could that be possible?
Well ? Could that be possible?
So who said that you still loved me?
I don’t remember any more, it was late at night,
I can still hear the voice, but I can no longer see the face,
“He loves you, it’s secret, don’t tell him I told you.”
You see, someone told me
That you still loved me
Did someone really tell me?
That you still loved me
Well, could that be possible?
I’m told that our lives aren’t worth much,
Passing in an instant, like wilting roses,
I’m told that time slipping by is a bastard,
Making its coat of our sadnesses.
That you still loved me
Someone told me…
That you still loved me.
Well ? Could that be possible?

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

A Small Request that Takes a Lifetime to Complete

I've been singing this song all day long, so it officially makes it "the song of the day".

Saturday, April 7, 2012

A Smashing Dream

       There is a new TV show that I found online while looking for a lazy Thursday-night-in. Its called Smash. Now, I don't want to promote this show, because I've only seen the first two episodes of it, but from what I've seen, I really love it. It's hopeful and heartbreaking at the same time. It is "real life"...but it's TV. It feels like a fresh, new show that I've always wanted to watch.
       The song of the day comes from a song I saw on this show (although, I think it's been around for a while) called "Crazy Dreams". I love that we are allowed to dream...even if those dreams are so unobtainable, we can still dream them. My dream job would be a dancer on a cruise ship. I could listen to beautiful music, by in sync with perfect bodies, entertain thousands, all while traveling the world, soaking in the sun, and exploring far off beaches. Now, granted, I know someone who was a dancer on a cruise line, and trust me, that was probably her dream at some point in time too, but real life isn't exactly like that. There are hours and hours of rehearsal in the belly of the ship, there are sprained ankles that get you fired from 6-long-contracts, and there is sea sickness. However, it sounds like a nice dream. Am I ever going to have that profession? No. I am going to be a teacher for kids who probably won't even be able to count to 15 by the time they are twenty years old. I will sit indoors wishing I could go out into the sun, yet always getting out of school in just enough time to see the sunset (except for the spring and summer times). It will be hard, and tedious, and I will not have "nights and weekends free" like so many others I know that will. But, don't get me wrong- this is also my dream. I want to touch people's lives on a very personal basis. Yes, entertainment is...well, entertaining. Its fun and it gives you a good laugh, or draws a few tears, but you leave the theater and return to your normal life. The only thing the theater has ever given me once I've left it is a burning desire to be up on stage with them. I have taken tap dance classes, and voice lessons, and piano lessons, and even have had the chance of being in two musical theater productions (granted, one was my high school's end of the year production my senior year, and the other was with the same director but through a community theater venue, but they were still stages, they were still dreams come true).
       All this to say, it is important that you chase after your dream. If you have one, and it seeps through your to heart like red food coloring permitting a glass of water, then please, chase your dream. Because, hey, even crazy dreams come true.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Why to Live?

Sometimes on my toughest days I think "Why to live? Why should I keep living here on Earth when my heart is in Heaven? When some of my family members and friends and other people's relatives that I loved are there too?"

And then I hear a song. A simple song my mother used to sing from time to time. I have not heard it in years (probably 10 years to be honest). I heard it sung tonight (and sang it myself, actually) in a room full of people whom I have come to love. These people are genuine and they care. They "practice what they preach". They uplift others in the room because that's what we do- that's how we function.

So not if, but when, you ever ask yourself "why to live?" just sing this little song, and hopefully you will find the answer provided in the song the answer to your quandary.

Why to live? ...Because He lives.

It is only through Jesus that I can fight this pain. It is only through Jesus that I can fight this battle. It is only through Jesus that I don't give up entirely. Because He lives I can face tomorrow...I may be shaking in my boots and I may have tear-stained cheeks, but I will still live. I will survive. And I will continue to grow in His love and His light...because He lives.

Monday, April 2, 2012

My Ode to Sin

Straight from the heart, Sin, please leave me alone.