Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Life, In General

Why is life so weird? Some days I wake up and am totally happy and filled with the joy of the Lord. Others, I wake up feeling depressed and like every moment that I live brings me closer to death. Like every moment will pass away with the next breath and that will be time spent that was time lost by doing something unproductive. I guess I feel like I have a limit on time. Its very strange, because this summer I have had a ton of time to myself, to think and to just not think. However, the more time that I actually have (and less and less things that I need to get done and accomplish) the more it seems like I should be doing something productive with my life. I think part of it is the fact that I know that summers can only last so long and that once I go back to school, things will be different (of course) and that my time will be spent differently. Its not that I dont enjoy school or studying or anything like that...and its not that I super duper love just hanging out with my family and doing stuff around the house. I think its that I havent been able to be with some of the people that I expected to be with. I am talking about mostly friends of the past, Linfield friends. I ran into some girls who were very dear to me all though out my high school years. However, instead of picking up the phone and scheduling a time to hang out, I feel like I cant. I feel like to go and hang out now would be sooo awkward because we havent talked for a year and it wouldnt be like a deep, old friendship where you can just pick up where you left off.
Do you ever have those breathtaking moments in life where you realize that no matter what, nothing will ever really be the same again. I have had several of them. With each person that I have lost to premature death I have known that feeling. Oddly enough, with the end of every basketball season that feeling presides. Also, the moment when I actually realized that it was this same feeling coming back over and over was my graduation from high school. Our senior class was very close! Inside of school. Some were great friends since the time they were in kindergarten together and I have no doubt that those people will continue to be friends for a very long time. However, for me, it wasnt ever like that. I knew that once LCS was over, those friendships would not succeed because the people on the other side of the friendships did not want them to succeed farther on in their life. I suppose that in a way I was used. Not trampled on and used in that sort of the meaning of the word, but used to bring happiness and depth to those friend's high school memories. The thing that I cant figure out though, I used them too for those same reasons and we all had a wonderful time. I mean, I know without a shadow of a doubt that they loved me and I loved them. However, why was it that it seemed like once graduation came, they no longer wanted to be a part of my life, but I still desperately wanted to be a part of theirs?
These thoughts are some that I have often. Its not like I went off to college and wanted to relive "the glory days of high school" and didnt meet any new friends bc I was holding out for my high school friends. No! I met some amazing people at CBU and really have fallen in love with some great friends all over again. Its just that, high school was such a HUGE part of my life and those friends were a huge part of my life as well, and now...they are not. It is slightly confusing, to say the least.
Anyways, this turned way more into a journal entry than a blog, but I guess that it means that it all comes from the heart.

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